Thursday, March 10, 2005

MY Story....

:) That was 12 years ago and I would not trade the past 10 years for no one or nothing.

This is MY side of MY story. For as many people that see an incident that is how many stories there will be.

The first 40 years of my life (20 in "religion, works, doing") were my choices, my decisions, my being "right",..... I grew up in a "know it all" home, religious background, no REAL love, molested by 2 individuals before any of us were "born again", yelling, screaming, cussing,....ranting, raving,....We were "right" and everybody else was wrong. Grew up with no value, no dignity, no worth, no honor, no esteem....   :)

Went to Tulsa, OK at 18 and spent 3.5 years there(bible school) where I meet my husband of 20 years. He asked me where I wanted to live and I told him anywhere but home. We moved to Florida where we helped a church go from 1/2 a building to over 5000 every Sunday morning in less than 13 years. Still we had no dignity, no worth, esteem was in the toilet, blame the devil, God,...government, everybody else but NOT me,.....looking at the "man of God "  for all the answers. I was in natural health those 13 years and would hear bits and pieces about the emotions, feelings,....but because we were told to ignore our feelings and "walk by faith" I would block that out and say, " Yeah yeah just tell me what herbs I have to take."

Who Switched Off My Brain ~ Emotions ~ STRESS and Health

The Pastor of the church gave my husband a "word" one Sunday night and 6 months later we moved to my hometown, start a church. We still had no dignity, no honor, no worth, ...our esteem was in the toilet, did not know REAL love,..... the REAL Gospel of Peace or the God of REAL love.

He was selling cars in Florida where the walk-in traffic was an expressway to Pueblo, CO where you better have people skills, lived there all your life, and or a list of a network of people if you’re going to sell cars to take care of your family, a church, debt up to your eyeballs....and deal with negative, nasty religious fault finding critical ..... I was homeschooling our 3 daughters, working in a nasty place,......I was not a supportive wife. I was a depressed, discussed-ed, negative, nasty,...bitch.  He insisted on starting the church as soon as we got here, more debt.

He gets fired from the dealership tells me one day that I don't believe in all this either because I was in bed, crying, depressed,...I had just started listening to Andrew Wommack on the radio and remembered a story he told of a women that started a house cleaning business. I got up went to my computer made a flier and took it to the copy store. I got 500 fliers and went into the rich side of town and put them on their doors. I had a business that exploded and both of us had to clean. Still no dignity, no honor, no worth,....blaming everybody/thing else for our miserable existence. Tom makes the decision to declare bankruptcy.

We go to a week-long meeting that Andrew Wommack was holding at his place in Colorado Springs and after the Wednesday morning sessions I realize why my life has been such hell. I was in works, legalism, religion,....trying to please human beings, please God with my doing, doing, doing....After the week was over I tell him we do not have to declare bankruptcy there is a way out but he insisted on it. The bankruptcy was signed the first part of July the cancer in his body started manifesting at the end of July. 

He has not taken personal responsibility for anything in his life for 46 years. I remember when we were at a certain school in Tulsa before we got married he would blame God, the devil, the school, the government, his boss....everybody/one else but never did it have to do with anything he did or said or.... We were the perfect couple because I was trained to be and chose to be a person that took all the blame and responsibility from and for everybody else. It was my fault my parents where fighting. I was the problem with my siblings. I was the source of all the arguments, issues, problems,…in our life, marriage, relationship because I came from a screwed up family.  I begged him to find help. I told him “You need to take personal responsibility for this.” I told him, “This maybe cancer you need to take personal responsibility and you need to make decisions, find answers, and go to a doctor, whatever.” Tom’s dignity, worth, esteem,  …..was in the toilet. He chose to deny, ignore, live in a state of denial…..He was in pain, anger, blame,….

He can no longer do "church". I start going to Pastor Lawson's church in Colorado Springs; he and Andrew have been great friends for years. He introduces me to Wendy who is in remission with breast cancer and she gives me my first set of Dr. Jim Richards tapes called, Releasing: The Hidden Pathway to Healing. I have ignored this side of health for 13 years. I have denied, argued against, ...lived in denial for 20 years that this has anything to do with health, wealth, wholeness.... I listen to the first tape and all of my beliefs are shattered and I realize this is the underlying issue to soooooo much. I beg him to please listen to them; he listens to them and denies that he has any emotional problems. I knew then we were in trouble.

He lets the tumor get so big that one night it began to hemorrhage. I woke up to blood every where.  I told him that I was taking him to the hospital because I was not going to be blamed for his death. I gave him capsicum and goldenseal (Sunshine Health ~ 316906) which stops internal and external bleeding and we went to the hospital. They did an emergency trach and the doctor comes out and tells me that he has 4th stage cancer. She also says, " I do not understand this type of cancer is only found in the very old, those that smoke heavily or those who drink heavily.", none of which my husband did. I tell her that I understand totally and thanked her for her help and information. He was put on morphine for the pain. I went home got the Paw Paw (Sunshine Health ~ 316906) and the pain was gone in 6 hours. The nurses would come into the ICU and ask him if he needed anything for pain and he would say no that there was none and he was fine.  They could not believe it. He was out of ICU in just hours. I continued the herbal program I had put together for him. We went home in a few days. I begged him to be honest with himself and please look at the emotional/feelings side of this, he would not. I purchased Developing the Heart: The Source of Life  and everything that I had heard in my 13 years of natural health started to make sense. Answers that had eluded me for years where answered. I  begged him to do the Essential Heart Physics CD program but because he was "right" and he was so hurt emotionally he would not. He went home to Jesus in March of 2005.

I found myself penniless, 3 preteens, no support, in a place I did not want to be, broken and hurt emotionally.  Some good friends of ours bought the girls and I airline tickets to spend  a few weeks with them in Maryland. The healing began with them blessing us so much, supporting us, giving us a van,....REAL love. We went to Florida had a memorial service for him at the church we had left there and again the Lord blessed us beyond measure. We spent a month there with different friends and family members and then drove to Huntsville, AL on the way home. I loaded up on Heart Physics Programs, CD's, DVD's, Books,....and went home.

The past 10 years have been and are incredible. I would not exchange anything for these years. I have a REAL relationship and experience the REAL God of REAL love on a moment to moment daily basis. I am pliable, teachable, bendable,......and willingly to see things differently. I know that  I am have have always been accepted, valued precious, with Pure Positive REAL Agape Unconditional Love Source Father God Energy and HE/SHE loves me as a lover loves his love with REAL love.
Contrary to what you might have heard, I said it once, and I'll say it again, "God does NOT hate you. People can keep quoting me Scriptures all they want about God hating people and how wrathful He is, but I'm going to keep preaching LOVE and GRACE to this lost and broken world. Judge me all you want. I'd rather err on the side of LOVE instead of HATE. So be it. Good theology must exist because bad theology needs to be answered. We must reveal God for who He truly is--LOVE. ~ Joshua Tongol

REAL Love IS Value
YOUR thoughts, feeling, emotions,......

HIS REAL Love for me........
What is the REAL GOSPEL?

REAL Love......

REAL Forgiveness...

October of 2013

REAL Forgiveness..... UN Offend able ~ REAL Freedom ~ Orgasmic Autonomy


I forgive you but because of your past actions I do NOT trust you. Trust is earned NEVER given.

Judging is when I think I know why someone did something without communicating with them personally.

After 5o  years and some codependent enabling relationships for 47 of those years I had to learn BOUNDARIES, REAL forgiveness, BEing and learning to experience UN offendable, PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY, REAL love....there are some that even though I do everything I can to work things out they refuse the way of peace, REAL love, and choose to continue in their mess, dysfunction, mean, nasty, hateful ,ugly,....strife, gossip,....dishonor, disrespect,.... For those types I try to communicate with them and set boundaries however if they continue to dishonor themselves/me/others..... then I REAL love love 'em, forgive 'em, bless 'em, pray 'em but I do it from a loooooooooong way off. Proverbs tells me to "Guard my heart with ALL diligence for out of it flows my life, health, emotions, wealth, .....other relationships.

The God of Peace, Source, the Essence of ALL that humanity IS, Pure Positive Unconditional Agape REAL Love Energy,.......... designed my body to live in peace and when I don't the consequences could cost me my life, health, wealth,....other relationships. Jesus is the Prince of Peace, God is the God of Peace, the REAL Gospel message is the Gospel of Peace and I am to be sharing the too good to be true REAL news of Peace to the world because of the finished and completed work of Jesus Christ :)

Suppressed thoughts with their embedded emotions will explode. Our brains are designed to acknowledge, repent and forgive. ~
Dr. Caroline Leaf

"Repent means to change your mind"

Forgiveness means to send away the offense. It has nothing to do with the other person, them forgiving/ doing/ receiving it or not, ..... it is ALL about me and my heart and my actions. I send it away because it could cost me my life, health/ dis-ease, wealth,..other relationships.

Yes, I forgive YOU but you have lied, cheated, talked nasty about me, run me down, find fault with me,..

Forgiving you gives me PEACE
Giving yourself peace is your job NOT mine.
Forgiving you does NOT mean I TRUST YOU
Forgiving you does NOT mean I want you in my life!

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ R. Muller
I cannot forgive ya because I do not condemn you. 

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes

“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive” ~ Alan Paton

 I can move past what others have done to me. But I can never move past my unforgiveness ~ Dr Jim Richards

"The only #person I can control is ME #Me me me me me me..... Myself, I. Mine. MY..... #emotional FEELings.
I cannot forgive ya because I do not condemn you
I do NOT have to forgive because I have not condemned. It is only when I am condemning that I need to #forgive#apologize,..... Nobody else is my problem, answer, source,.....The more I take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for everything I#emotionally FEEL the Freer I AM. The #Happier I AM. The more UNoffendable I AM " ~ LeRae Ann Mauro 

"If I am not #offended nothing needs mended..." ~ David Kracht 

#Learning to be UN #offend able has been the most #freeing#liberating, amazing ,...adventure in my 50 years. What others do, say, believe, #feel,.....has nothing to do with me but what "they" emotionally FEEL, believe, think,....about themselves. 

Love the Mirror.
I cannot forgive ya because I do not condemn you
REAL #Freedom happens when one emotionally experiences, FEELS,....... REAL #Unconditional REAL #Love#Agape,...... for themselves first. ME #Me me me me me me me .......first.

Mo better......when we stop requiring one. ~ Gregg Wilson

I cannot forgive ya because I do not condemn you

Do you realize that every time you get offended, it reveals a false belief you have about your identity. Knowing this, means you now get to thank everyone who offends you for being used to bring something out into the open that you were previously unaware of...and now that it's out in the open, it can be dealt with. Ben Hutchins ~

Hurting People Hurt People heart emoticon

When I find my dignity, honor, worth, value, integrity ... my BEing in who I am in and to the REAL God of REAL love and HIM alone I do not need other people to apologize to me. I can just let others BE and grow and believe what they want to believe, build RELATIONSHIP with them, love, laugh, giggle, give, bless, help, encourage,.... When I get offended, my diapers in a wad, upset, anyone I am making them my god and I will always come up short and be offended hurt, ..... and looking for love in ALL the wrong places.

I cannot forgive ya because I do not condemn you

I was molested for years by two men in my family. They were hurting full of fear, fear mongering human beings. No apology needed because they were and are not my problem, answers, solution, excuses,.....


Created February 24, 2012

HIS Love For Me......


HIS love for me is as a lover loves their love. HE knows the specks and colors in my eyes. HE knows how many hairs are on my head at any given time. He knows when every sparrow falls to the ground and dies. HE has created all the flowers of the fields, dressed them in all of their glory and splendor; yet they are here today and gone tomorrow. How much more does HE love and knows me. My name is written on the palm of HIS hand. Every tear that I have cried is in a bottle. Source's thoughts towards me are as the sand in the sea and ALL those thoughts are Pure Postive REAL Unconctdiatl Agape Love Energy.  HE knows all of my thoughts, feelings, emotions,…. and HE REAL love loves me; 24/7 ~ 7 days a week ~ 24 hours a day ~ every breath/moment… HE knows me, HE wants me, HE desires me, and all HE wants is a REAL relationship with me. HIS thoughts towards me are as the sand in the sea and all those thoughts are REAL love, positive, encouraging, edifying, caring, full of hope, dreams, gifts, answers, solutions, possibilities,……. It is as if God, Father, Source, ..... Jesus, the Holy Spirit are in a big important meeting surrounded by everybody and I come to the open door and ABBA Father/ Daddy God/ Jesus, Holy Spirit,......... stop what they were discussing, give all their attention to me, come to me, helping, encouraging, building me up, holding me,…. telling me who I am IN Christ, what I have IN Christ, what I can do IN Christ, …... This is the way the REAL God feels about me!!!!

True North!
1 Corinthians 13:1 Speaking in tongues is not the point; love is. It is neither angelic eloquence, nor the mastery of human language that persuades. It doesn’t matter how poetic, prophetic, or profound I may sound; my conversation is reduced to the hollow noise of clanging brass cymbals if love’s echo is absent. (The Greek word for the love of God is agape from the word, agoo, meaning to lead like a shepherd guides his sheep, and pao, meaning to rest, i.e. “he leads me beside still waters.” By the waters of reflection my soul remembers who I am. [Ps 23]. God’s rest is established upon his image and likeness redeemed in us. Thus, to encounter agape is to remember who I am. Jesus the Savior of humankind rescued God’s image and likeness in human form. The grace of God shines as bright as day making the salvation of humankind undeniably visible [Titus 2:11].)

13:2 I could predict the future in detail and have a word of knowledge for everyone. I could possess amazing faith, and prove it by moving mountains! It doesn’t make me any more important than anyone else. Love is who you are! You are not defined by your gift or deeds. (Love gives context to faith. Moving mountains is not the point, love is.)

13:3 Love is not about defending a point of view; even if I am prepared to give away everything I have and die a martyr’s death; love does not have to prove itself by acts of supreme devotion or self sacrifice!

13:4 Love is large in being passionate about life and relentlessly patient in bearing the offenses and injuries of others with kindness. Love is completely content and strives for nothing. Love has no desire to make others feel inferior and has no need to sing its own praises.

13:5 Love is predictable and does not behave out of character. Love is not ambitious. Love is not spiteful and gets no mileage out of another’s mistakes. (The word, paroxuno, translates as spiteful, it has no sharp edges.)

13:6 Love sees no joy in injustice. Love’s delight is in everything that truth celebrates.

13:7 Love is a fortress where everyone feels protected rather than exposed! Love’s persuasion is persistent! Love believes. Love never loses hope and always remains constant in contradiction.
Mirror Bible

REAL love: To value the object of your affection, to consider as precious and to hold in high regard.

Religion Sells.

But Love Gives Itself... Love Lavishly Wastes Itself...

Religion Manipulates.... Religion will Always Step on One's Dreams and Hope for its Own......

But Love Will Always Cry for One's Freedom... Love Will Lay Down its life for One Another's Dreams.

Religion Kills... Religion offers nothing but empty promises filled with deceit, vanity, and endless disappointments. ALL Religion is fear and produces nothing but fear.

Love Kills... Love Kills Every Promises by Saying 'Yes' Today... Love leaves no room for disappointments... Love Settles for Nothing Less than Overflowing Satisfaction.

You Are No Longer Slaves to Religion but Kings of Love.
And You are called to Squander Yourselves to the World desperate for Love. ~ Jung Hwan Kim

REAL Love IS Value....

Heidi Baker - Love Them to Life Conference 2012 - Saturday Night 

My ideas of God are not divine, but His ideas of me are.

YOUR thoughts, feeling, emotions,......

REAL love ......

The REAL Story...

Dignity and Worth

Part 3 REAL love MYSELF.....Pastor Allen Speegle

This is the way the REAL God of REAL love feels about me NOT the religious one that all the mean hurting people have presented.

A preacher from long ago named Jonathan Edwards preached a sermon titled "Sinners In The Hands of An Angry God". We've discovered over the years that isn't God who is angry but rather believers and they make people think He is. God's anger was taken out on Jesus on our behalf!!!!!
~ Pastor Allen Speegle

Gandhi who was primarily a Buddhist said; “If Christians would really live according to the teachings of Christ, as found in the Bible, all of India would be Christian today.” And he said - "I like your Christ but I do not like your Christians because they are so unlike your Christ". In John 3:17 Jesus said I didn't come to condemn, judge, reject or pass sentence on the world but to save it. If Jesus didn't judge and he was perfect how can we?  ~ Pastor Allen Speegle

There's NO amount of angry preaching that will cause people to change. The goal of the church IS NOT to get people to "do right" but to ground them in the fact that they're "loved by God". ~ Pastor Allen SpeegleGod is love.

The heart of the Gospel is love. Love is a product of the spiritual health of our heart. Loving one another is the evidence that we are experiencing God. There is no greater way to gauge and evaluate the condition of our heart than our ability to give and receive love. Love is manifest through our willingness and capacity to develop ourselves for meaningful relationships. All of life’s boundaries are a product of the beliefs of our heart. Therefore, the more I give myself to the love of God and the love of people, the more I harmonize myself with the nature of God. The more I harmonize with the nature of God the more I can function in my God-like nature, which means the more I move past the boundaries to a wonderful life! ~ Dr. Jim Richards

Posted February 26, 2012