Thursday, March 10, 2005

MY Story....

:) That was 12 years ago and I would not trade the past 10 years for no one or nothing.

This is MY side of MY story. For as many people that see an incident that is how many stories there will be.

The first 40 years of my life (20 in "religion, works, doing") were my choices, my decisions, my being "right",..... I grew up in a "know it all" home, religious background, no REAL love, molested by 2 individuals before any of us were "born again", yelling, screaming, cussing,....ranting, raving,....We were "right" and everybody else was wrong. Grew up with no value, no dignity, no worth, no honor, no esteem....   :)

Went to Tulsa, OK at 18 and spent 3.5 years there(bible school) where I meet my husband of 20 years. He asked me where I wanted to live and I told him anywhere but home. We moved to Florida where we helped a church go from 1/2 a building to over 5000 every Sunday morning in less than 13 years. Still we had no dignity, no worth, esteem was in the toilet, blame the devil, God,...government, everybody else but NOT me,.....looking at the "man of God "  for all the answers. I was in natural health those 13 years and would hear bits and pieces about the emotions, feelings,....but because we were told to ignore our feelings and "walk by faith" I would block that out and say, " Yeah yeah just tell me what herbs I have to take."

Who Switched Off My Brain ~ Emotions ~ STRESS and Health

The Pastor of the church gave my husband a "word" one Sunday night and 6 months later we moved to my hometown, start a church. We still had no dignity, no honor, no worth, ...our esteem was in the toilet, did not know REAL love,..... the REAL Gospel of Peace or the God of REAL love.

He was selling cars in Florida where the walk-in traffic was an expressway to Pueblo, CO where you better have people skills, lived there all your life, and or a list of a network of people if you’re going to sell cars to take care of your family, a church, debt up to your eyeballs....and deal with negative, nasty religious fault finding critical ..... I was homeschooling our 3 daughters, working in a nasty place,......I was not a supportive wife. I was a depressed, discussed-ed, negative, nasty,...bitch.  He insisted on starting the church as soon as we got here, more debt.

He gets fired from the dealership tells me one day that I don't believe in all this either because I was in bed, crying, depressed,...I had just started listening to Andrew Wommack on the radio and remembered a story he told of a women that started a house cleaning business. I got up went to my computer made a flier and took it to the copy store. I got 500 fliers and went into the rich side of town and put them on their doors. I had a business that exploded and both of us had to clean. Still no dignity, no honor, no worth,....blaming everybody/thing else for our miserable existence. Tom makes the decision to declare bankruptcy.

We go to a week-long meeting that Andrew Wommack was holding at his place in Colorado Springs and after the Wednesday morning sessions I realize why my life has been such hell. I was in works, legalism, religion,....trying to please human beings, please God with my doing, doing, doing....After the week was over I tell him we do not have to declare bankruptcy there is a way out but he insisted on it. The bankruptcy was signed the first part of July the cancer in his body started manifesting at the end of July. 

He has not taken personal responsibility for anything in his life for 46 years. I remember when we were at a certain school in Tulsa before we got married he would blame God, the devil, the school, the government, his boss....everybody/one else but never did it have to do with anything he did or said or.... We were the perfect couple because I was trained to be and chose to be a person that took all the blame and responsibility from and for everybody else. It was my fault my parents where fighting. I was the problem with my siblings. I was the source of all the arguments, issues, problems,…in our life, marriage, relationship because I came from a screwed up family.  I begged him to find help. I told him “You need to take personal responsibility for this.” I told him, “This maybe cancer you need to take personal responsibility and you need to make decisions, find answers, and go to a doctor, whatever.” Tom’s dignity, worth, esteem,  …..was in the toilet. He chose to deny, ignore, live in a state of denial…..He was in pain, anger, blame,….

He can no longer do "church". I start going to Pastor Lawson's church in Colorado Springs; he and Andrew have been great friends for years. He introduces me to Wendy who is in remission with breast cancer and she gives me my first set of Dr. Jim Richards tapes called, Releasing: The Hidden Pathway to Healing. I have ignored this side of health for 13 years. I have denied, argued against, ...lived in denial for 20 years that this has anything to do with health, wealth, wholeness.... I listen to the first tape and all of my beliefs are shattered and I realize this is the underlying issue to soooooo much. I beg him to please listen to them; he listens to them and denies that he has any emotional problems. I knew then we were in trouble.

He lets the tumor get so big that one night it began to hemorrhage. I woke up to blood every where.  I told him that I was taking him to the hospital because I was not going to be blamed for his death. I gave him capsicum and goldenseal (Sunshine Health ~ 316906) which stops internal and external bleeding and we went to the hospital. They did an emergency trach and the doctor comes out and tells me that he has 4th stage cancer. She also says, " I do not understand this type of cancer is only found in the very old, those that smoke heavily or those who drink heavily.", none of which my husband did. I tell her that I understand totally and thanked her for her help and information. He was put on morphine for the pain. I went home got the Paw Paw (Sunshine Health ~ 316906) and the pain was gone in 6 hours. The nurses would come into the ICU and ask him if he needed anything for pain and he would say no that there was none and he was fine.  They could not believe it. He was out of ICU in just hours. I continued the herbal program I had put together for him. We went home in a few days. I begged him to be honest with himself and please look at the emotional/feelings side of this, he would not. I purchased Developing the Heart: The Source of Life  and everything that I had heard in my 13 years of natural health started to make sense. Answers that had eluded me for years where answered. I  begged him to do the Essential Heart Physics CD program but because he was "right" and he was so hurt emotionally he would not. He went home to Jesus in March of 2005.

I found myself penniless, 3 preteens, no support, in a place I did not want to be, broken and hurt emotionally.  Some good friends of ours bought the girls and I airline tickets to spend  a few weeks with them in Maryland. The healing began with them blessing us so much, supporting us, giving us a van,....REAL love. We went to Florida had a memorial service for him at the church we had left there and again the Lord blessed us beyond measure. We spent a month there with different friends and family members and then drove to Huntsville, AL on the way home. I loaded up on Heart Physics Programs, CD's, DVD's, Books,....and went home.

The past 10 years have been and are incredible. I would not exchange anything for these years. I have a REAL relationship and experience the REAL God of REAL love on a moment to moment daily basis. I am pliable, teachable, bendable,......and willingly to see things differently. I know that  I am have have always been accepted, valued precious, with Pure Positive REAL Agape Unconditional Love Source Father God Energy and HE/SHE loves me as a lover loves his love with REAL love.
Contrary to what you might have heard, I said it once, and I'll say it again, "God does NOT hate you. People can keep quoting me Scriptures all they want about God hating people and how wrathful He is, but I'm going to keep preaching LOVE and GRACE to this lost and broken world. Judge me all you want. I'd rather err on the side of LOVE instead of HATE. So be it. Good theology must exist because bad theology needs to be answered. We must reveal God for who He truly is--LOVE. ~ Joshua Tongol

REAL Love IS Value
YOUR thoughts, feeling, emotions,......

HIS REAL Love for me........
What is the REAL GOSPEL?

REAL Love......

REAL Forgiveness...

October of 2013